Blogs

3. Brawny and Flap and the case of the shopping trolley mishap.

I hate shopping, it seems to come round too often. Each week I make a list and usually forget to take it. (Suffering grocery lists Brawny, it isn’t that weekly plod around the supermarket again is it? Afraid so Flap. Chronic allergies Brawny, you know I come out in a rash each time we go. I know Flap, but you will have to grin and bare it like I do. ‘Man it up’ as it says in the Super hero’s survival manual.)

With purse and bags I lock the front door, get into my car and drive to the oversized shop that eats your money before your very eyes. As I park, between two bays, as I like my cushion of comfort, I hear a commotion in the back of the car. (Hysterical outbursts Brawny, I am not going to set foot inside that monster again. Flap, stop overreacting and pull yourself together. Pushy older superhero’s, if I have a panic attack I shall blame you Brawny.)

Trolley’s and I very rarely see eye to eye and today I have managed to pick the most obstreperous one of all. (Contorted metal beast Brawny, I am going to sit in the child’s seat and keep well out of the way. Sounds like a good idea Flap, but keep your elbows in. I shall be the front guard.) 

Now one thing I do not understand is why the fresh fruit is always at the beginning of the shop. Why would you want to place delicate items at the bottom of your trolley? (Toxic tomatoes Brawny she is going fresh, you know I can’t stand food that is good for you. Blistering bananas, it  touched me. Brawny help me. Calm down Flap or you will overturn the trolley. Caustic cabbage Brawny I have to get out now. You are rocking the contraption Flap, stop it now before we crash…)

I don’t believe it the trolley’s wheels have buckled and embarrassingly I and another customer are locked tight in a grip that has both of us squirming on the shop floor. My fresh fruit is now rolling around freely. (Stupendous slip ups Brawny, I can see an accident in the making. Quick Flap we need to do something. Ripping retreats Brawny I am off, the fresh stuff is too close for my liking. Flap this is no time to disappear.) The manager appears from around the corner wondering what the commotion is all about. He approaches the older lady first to see if she is alright. An account of what happened comes at great length which infers that I am a mad crazed woman who should not be allowed anywhere near anything that moves. I get myself to my feet and (Slippery  solutions Brawny that is not a wise thing to do) watch as a stand with cereal packets piled high suddenly nose dives onto the manager who is bent over patting the hand of the overwrought lady. (It was all I could think of at a moments notice Flap. Lightening exits Brawny I think we need to beat a hasty retreat.I am with you there Flap.) 

Apologizing profusely I decide to terminate my trip to the supermarket. With remnants of tomato and banana stuck to my bottom I walk away in as dignified a manner as I can. (Biff, baff, boff Brawny I think we had better keep a low profile for a while. Flap I do believe you might be right.)

 

---

 

2. Brawny and Flap the back seat drivers.

As I put on my seatbelt and turn the car on I hear mutterings from the backseat. (Brawny are we going very far as I have a nasty feeling something is going to happen. Relax Flap; we are in the hands of a confident driver.) With the neighbours hedge restricting my view I reverse carefully out of the driveway. (Screeching tyres Brawny, she is going to hit the cat! Flap, the cat is on the fence so I don’t think that is a possibility.)   Once done I drive to the main road, (Speeding gas Brawny it’s 30 miles an hour here, what does it say on the speedometer? Flap we are only doing 28.)

At the junction, it appears that everyone has decided to go shopping at the same time. The cars are bumper to bumper both ways which is unusual to say the least. (Glorious traffic jam Brawny, we can go home now.) Undeterred by the queue I do a U-turn and return the way I came, passing the road for my house and heading for another exit out of our estate. The alternative route takes me further up the road I had been trying to get onto earlier. A kind driver signals for me to go ahead of him. And then I see why.

(Flying debris Brawny, l think we are in for a sticky ride! My thoughts entirely Flap.)

To my horror there is a tractor in front of me with a shed load of manure in its trailer, which is dumping blobs of excrement as it bounces around on the road. I immediately look to see if there is any way I can overtake, but the adjacent road is going its own slow speed due to two men taking their horse and traps for an early afternoon saunter.  (Slippery dung Brawny, we are trapped. This needs some quick thinking Flap.) A fist full of steaming manure hits the windscreen before I can swerve out of the way. Without thinking I put on the wipers only to find there is no water to help wash the mess away. (Swishing mess Brawny, now we can’t see. Indeed Flap our vision is impeded.) The result proves fatal. I have no choice but to stop, much to the annoyance of the other drivers who honk their horns demanding that I drive on. (Flap get ready for action. Bring it on Brawny I am right behind you.)

As the angry air of motorists stuck behind me reaches fever pitch I walk away from the car to the one behind me. In the sweetest of voices I ask the driver if he has any water. Bemused he shakes his head and says no and then tells me to get my car off the road so that he can overtake me. (Murderous looks Brawny I think the man might do something silly. Flap our time has come to implement a daring deed. You don’t mean the hand brake manoeuvre? Yes Flap.)

The frustrated driver seeing me walk to the next car down the line pulls out into the oncoming traffic and forces his way past my car and behind the tractor. As I ask the occupants of the second car if they have any water I hear a screech of brakes and then watch with unbelieving eyes as the trailer’s  tailgate opens and spews its contents  onto the car behind it.  (Belching dung Brawny that was brilliant. It was nothing Flap, I just spooked a rabbit to run out in front of the tractor that’s all.)

Having acquired a bottle of water I return to my car and clean the windscreen as best as I can. The opposite side of the road is now clear which means the two horse and traps must have taken a side road. With the way ahead blocked I decide to change my plans and return home. (Biff, baff, boff Brawny I think our work is done here. Yes Flap, time to put our feet up.)

So remember friends keep your distance if you are behind a tractor and trailer.

 

---

 

1. Brawny and Flap and the spaghetti bolognaise incident.

Okay so being a late fiftyager has not done anything for my forgetfulness. In fact it is climbing to new heights.

The evening meal is ready to be dished up so I take out the plates from the cupboard above me. Carefully place the spaghetti bolognaise on the top one and proceed to take it into the dining room. As I turn and make a step forward (and this is better if viewed in cartoon form) my eyes suddenly realize that I am about to smash into the cupboard door that I forgot to close.

My head stops within a millimeter of the door, (super emergency brakes Brawny that was close) my body continues, then decides that it would prefer staying attached to my head (indeed Flap). However, the spaghetti bol and plate sail separately onward and smashes into the wall. (Flying splatter Brawny, that is not good). I close the cupboard door and move towards the mess (definitely not good Flap) and slip on a stray piece of spaghetti ending up on parade alongside the new wall decoration.

The door begins to open (startling entrances Brawny this is not going to end up well).

I yell, ‘don’t come in’ and as I do so a foot connects with a slippery substance and my hubby flies past and crash lands. (Flap, I think we have a bad case of slipitus. Not to worry Brawny I will use my cape to boldly go where no man has gone before. Or perhaps not, spag bol would clash with my colour co-ordinated pants and tights. Maybe Flap, but we have to do something).

A voice comes from the other side of the door, ‘what’s going on?’ I reply that we have a slight problem and again reiterate the warning, ‘don’t come….’ too late. Another body slips but this time gracefully recovers and glides along the floor ending up with a ‘da dar’ and arms stretched out in a state of gymnastic pose. (Lightning gymnastics Brawny, she is good. Yes, I think we have our solution Flap.)

Stretching out her hands, a confident spaghetti skater helps her mother stand up and wobble to a high stool. Next she does the same for her father. Sticky strips of pasta are peeled off the floor and thrown away, the wall quickly washed down, smashed plate pieces collected and dinner is once again ready to be dished up. I am told to strip off and frumpy clothes are found for me to change into. (Speedy quick thinking Brawny, I think our work is done here. Yes Flap, another successful clean up. Biff, baff, boff, time to put our feet up.)

So remember friends don’t leave cupboard doors open.